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Cough cough

By Staff | Feb 1, 2017

My usual mantra is:?I?never get sick.

That proclamation was tested Friday as I?felt like my face was melting while I?attempted to make small talk with some of the best administrators at Iowa Lakes Community College, and took photos at the Hall of Fame presentation.

I thought, “Okay. I’ve got the weekend, and then I should be raring to go on Monday.”?

No. I?tried for two-and-a-half hours to pound out this Opinion page before Glen told me to go home.

Now it’s Tuesday, and I’m better able to sit upright and complete a thought before I?disintegrate into a coughing fit or start leaking.

There’s a lot going on around here, and in the world, and I?decided it might be a good time for some sick humor.

No, not that. I mean humor about sickness. I hear from Iowa Lakes Community College, from doctors’ offices, and from everywhere that there’s a lot of crud going around.

It was the French writer, philosopher, and insurgent Franois-Marie Arouet, best known by his pen name, Voltaire, who said, “The art consists in amusing the patient while nature affects the cure.”

With all the amusements available on a relatively inexpensive device, there’s no reason for me to be such a big baby about being sick. I’ve gone soft. I used to drag myself out of bed to tend to the babies, though I could usually talk them into a cuddle and movie day, but now that the youngest is 13, there’s very little attending for me to do. So I can focus on my deep misery and wonder if my nose will ever again serve for breeor breve for breathing.

“Being ill is one of the greatest pleasures of life, provided one is not too ill and is not obliged to work until one is better.” Samuel Butler

Is this true??Maybe I find work such a pleasure so much of the time, that sick days don’t impress me much.

“If a doctor treats your cold, it will go away in 14 days. If you leave it alone, it will go away in two weeks.” Gloria Silverstein

Ah. “It’s a virus. It will have to work out on its own.”?

I’ve taken quizzes on Web MD and Mayo Clinic’s websites ites to determine if I?have a cold or the flu.

Quite honestly, I?know I?should probably get a flu shot one of these years, and it’s really no laughing matter:?I?attended an awareness walk last fall in memory of a young lady who died at age 20 from Influenza A. She was the daughter of one of my good friends over in the Lakes area.

At the same time, it seems like just a drippy, noisy, somewhat painful inconvenience to push through, not a cause for alarm.

There’s one that’s floating around social media of late. It’s probably a really old joke.


Patient:?No, actually I?drove here.

Q: What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu?

A: If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.

I phoned my doctor to get some info on swine flu but the line was very poor.

All I got was crackling.

Shall we dance??I’d give credit where credit is due, but this one is author unknown:?

The Flu Do-Si-Do

Choose your partners, one and all,

Aspirin, Advil or Tylenol!

Now fling those covers with all you’ve got.

One minute cold, the next minute hot.

Circle right to the side of the bed,

Grab the tissues and Sudafed.

Back to the middle and don’t goof off,

Hold your stomach and cough, cough, cough.

Forget about slippers, dash down the hall.

Toss your cookies in the shower stall

Remember others on the brink

Wash your hands, wash the sink.

Wipe the doorknob, the light switch too,

Now you’ve got it, you’re doing the flu.

Some like it cold, some like it hot,

If you like neither, then get the shot.

The eternally silly Erma Bombeck said, “Bombeck’s rule of Medicine: Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”

My dear doctor, I’m surprised to hear you say that I am coughing very badly, because I have been practicing all night.” John Philpot Curran

A woman walks into the pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, “Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?”

“Do you mean aspirin?” says the pharmacist.

“That’s it, I can never remember that word.”

“What I find most disturbing about Valentine’s Day is, look, I get that you have to have a holiday of love, but in the height of flu season, it makes no sense.” Lewis Black

And now a bit of etiquette from the iconic Letitia Baldridge: “If the flu situation in your town is serious, cancel a large long-awaited party you had scheduled, but promise the guests in an e-mail that you will reschedule the party as soon as possible.”